Journaling... now

When I graduated high school, my mom gave me a box of my old journals. I remember reading those writings and being mortified of what I had written.

Who did I think I was writing to? Who was I trying to impress?

I remember thinking that my journal writings weren’t the whole me. The friends I was talking about weren’t the friends I wanted for a lifetime. My “crushes” either broke my heart or turned out to be losers. I threw away every one of my journals. I regretted that choice, and my new blog became my journal. 

When I thought about restarting my blog, I thought long and hard about what I would do with my old posts. There were so many good pictures, so many firsts, so many of my “nows”, however, just like my old journals, at times I was trying to portray the person I thought I should be or that I thought people wanted me to be. 

At this time, I’m choosing to keep those posts. I’m going to be true to my now because all I own is this minute. Nothing is promised. I’m going to love hard, live my truth, and “leave it all on the field” because I am living... right now. 

Enjoy my now. 

Murmur not

I found this on my private journaling blog from August 2014. It's still very real today, and I want my children to know. 

Matthew 6:16-18 

16 Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 

17 But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; 

18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.

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In my acquaintance circle is a women my age that tragically and abruptly lost her husband a couple months ago. She has never complained to me nor ask why would Heavenly Father allow such pain. Instead, when I see her, she smiles. She takes care of herself, and she always looks beautiful. She does not show her pain. 

I am still dealing with the reality that I will always have an autoimmune disorder. Pain and fatigue will always be on my daily agenda. As I visit new doctors, we continue to add more problems to my list. 

I wanted people to know my pain. I wanted their love and support, however, I feared I was appearing like I was always complaining. I did not want my burden to be my friends and family's burden. 

I did a google search for murmur. 

I found "Murmur Not" by Neal A. Maxwell. If I was looking for a partner to commiserate, I was looking in the wrong spot. Instead, I was gently reprimanded. 

"A basic cause of murmuring is that too many of us seem to expect that life will flow ever smoothly, featuring an unbroken chain of green lights with empty parking places just in front of our destinations!" 

"Perhaps when we murmur we are unconsciously complaining over not being able to cut a special deal with the Lord. We want full blessings but without full obedience to the laws upon which those blessings are predicated." 

How can one love God, but not trust His plan? Or not trust His timing? Instead of criticizing God's plan, we must develop our patience. Do not let our murmurs drown out our spiritual signals. 

Every morning I will still have to convince myself to put on my happy face and silence my murmuring. I pray that my lips may be closed, so my eyes can be opened.