Faith, Love, and More Faith, AKA the baby that saved my life

Almost three years ago, I got a premonition to have another baby. 

This did not come from me. I was content with my older four children. I was in a high paying career. I had just sold all my baby stuff.  Another child did not fit into my symmetrical brain. 

My husband took the biggest leap of faith when the morning after he said no, he said, "I think you are crazy, but Heavenly Father gives you revelation regarding childbirth."

We would need to seek help from a professional to get pregnant for the first time ever. 

The endocrine reproductive doctor did more tests than I knew existed, and I didn't understand why they were even necessary because we knew the man-made problem. So when the doctor made me promise to follow up on my abnormal lab values, I wasn't worried. As my dad says, I'm "a baby making machine."

Annastasia was my most difficult pregnancy. I was beyond tired, I lost hair, gained the most weight, and my legs hurt. I attributed it to my advanced maternal age. 

I half heartedly followed up on my labs while I was still breast feeding. They didn't test all the labs, but the ones we did were normal. 

The leg pain continued, so I had more labs and ultrasounds without any cause. 

My fatigue was so bad; I pleaded with my doctor to give me something for sleep. I quit one job and scaled the other job down to only once a week. 

Nothing help. I drank more water. I became taking vitamins and other supplements. 

I was becoming depressed. Chronic pain and chronic fatigue were a horrible way to live. Only the love of that baby kept me around. 

I finally returned to my doctor and had all the labs repeated even the obscure ones.

This time the problem was revealed. 

I now put my faith back in my Heavenly Father. I was supposed to have Annie in order to expose my health problems; He was helping me.

And I now know that Heavenly Father really does love me. 

Good Saturday morning

-The kids are sleeping in. (All games were cancelled.)

-Alone time with the baby. 

-In my favorite sweatshirt. 

-Cat Stevens in the background. ("Ripon mix" on my Pandora.)

-The weight of the world off my shoulders. (Only three more working days.)

-World's best neighbor took my trash cans to the curb. (I don't know when they come, and Mr. Skinner is out of town.)

-Solo temple date tonight. 

EPIC

The end of selfie Tuesdays

I don't take much selfies, but if I do, it's always on Tuesdays. 

The day I dress up for work. 

For some reason, if you only work one day a week, it inevitably is the day the kids have field trips or classroom parties. 

After 11 days, I took my band off. I finished my courage challenge. 

Only three more selfie days. 

Isaiah 55:9 So are my ways higher than your ways. 

Think higher. Believe higher. Live higher. 

Change

I am not feeling brave right now, but I am seeking the peace that comes after the change. 

I have this little notebook. A little snippet of my last pages is very indicative of what I have been "hearing" lately: 

Hope is a powerful antidote for fear. 

The Lord will fight for you. 

-Laurel Christensen Day

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. 

Gavin's Law

Live to start; start to live

Why won't you let me bless you?

Don't be afraid of looking stupid. 

-Richie Norton

Never make decisions from fear. 

If you aren't going to follow my counsel, don't ask. 

-S. Michael Willcox

Mighty change of heart=Mighty change of mind

-Mary Edmundson

Change is difficult. It is not about WILL POWER; it is about HIS POWER.

-Brad Wilcox

Everyday is a decision. 

-Russell M. Nelson 

Don't forget to look up. 

-Adrian Ochoa

Good timber does not grow with ease: the stronger wind, the stronger trees...

-Douglas Malloch (via Thomas S. Monson)

The Lord sees weakness different than rebellion. 

-Richard G. Scott

Never delay a prompting. 

-David F. Evans

Ok. Get ready. I'm about to get brave. 

Mother's tear

God loves a lullaby in a mother's tear in the dead of night better than a Hallelujah sometimes...

We pour out our miseries; God just hears a melody. 

Being a mom is the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done. 

In a cacophonous and sinful world, how do we protect our children?  

You put the armor of God on your children every morning, the same way you put a jacket on them on a cold day. You pray for your child everyday. 

They were God's children before they were your children. 

-Elder Holland

I am so grateful to refill my bucket at Time Out For Women this weekend. My recommitment to myself, my husband, and my children. 

I am grateful for a husband who sees the value in taking care of myself and supports me while I do. 

I am grateful to go with family. 

And I am already excited for next year, so I can bring Raea to Timeout For Girls. 

It is a mistake not to learn everything our Heavenly Father has given us. 

-Sheri Dew

Tranquility

"Who are you?"

Not if you stay at home or work outside the house. 

Not if you are a mom or a wife. 

But what do you like, what bring you happiness, what are your positive characteristics. 

I am fun. I am wild. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am honest. I am a hippy and a girlie girl. I love soccer and moving my body. I love nature. 

I associate nature with peace and meditation. I have enjoyed backpacking since I was a teenager and had the opportunity to minimalistic camp (think SurvivorMan) by myself for a few days. 

I believe most parents have secret traits they want their offspring to develop. I want my children to be like the pioneer children. Strong. Obedient. Inner peace. Love for the outdoors. 

I love my children. I love who they are becoming. 

And they sure know how to have fun. 

Summer Loving

I am reading a book right now about making things matter. The ability to go to bed saying that was a great day. 

And as I am finally getting to bed, I can say that was a great day. 

I only worked a hour this early morning, just enough to get me dressed and prepared for the day. (And that is the most I want to work right now.)

I got alone time with my little man at the park (yes, I was digging in a skirt) as the other children were swimming or learning. 

Library time because Raea just HAD to read True again. (And the book is so well written about a sensitive topic, I just HAD to help her get it.)

Grocery shopping with my last three. (Two hours, but oh, the coupon chasing was fun.)

THREE sister missionaries for dinner. 

Topped with going to the theater with my kids. 

And although I kissed my husband goodbye at the airport, we held hands as we walked to pick up another child from school. 

The day was not rushed. The day was calm, but entertaining. 

And although there was a little manners snafu at dinner, I was able to handle it much more positively.

I love summer. I love my family. I loved my day. 

Here is to an authentic summer filled with things you want to do, not just what you have to do. 

Another year and wiser, too

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday. I am grateful for my nice, quiet surprises.

I am super grateful for my husband who taught me that boys can be trained. Imagine my surprise when I check my online calendar and find a new massage scheduled and entered!

I love my little family.

Race Car Drivers

Well, I have now officially drove a race car... on the race tracks. Super fun experience with my dad and my sister.

Tall is beautiful

I never had a lot of friends, just a few really good ones.

One at a time.

There was one that stood above the rest... literally. She was a foot taller than me in fourth grade.

I was an average 4'8".

I was devastated.
My friend was always the tallest in the class. Her big height matched her big personality. She was down to earth. She was the epitome of the perfect best friend. 

Unfortunately a few years ago, the world lost another angel with her premature passing.


I think about her.

And her height.

And now I have my own.

Everytime I look at my tall little girl, I smile.  I see my angel friend in her.

And I couldn't be more happier.

The Power of the Thumb... And Genetics

Once upon a time, I had a thumb sucker. We painted the numb with unsavory fingernail polish. We punished. We bribed. Nothing.

Then she turned five, and we got an implanted thumb guard in her mouth. It was earlier than we expected for "braces" or the cost, but it worked.

We have six months, and we will probably be doing it again. At least we know a good orthodontist.

(There is a picture of me circulating where I am sucking my thumb at a rather old pediatric age.)

Parenting is hard

I didn't have to be a parent long before I realized what people meant when they said parenting is hard. I knew it; it is physically draining.

I remember on cue every time I put my oldest in her carseat, she would vomit. It was usually when I was in a hurry. I would run and sweat to change my clothes, her clothes, and clean the carseat. I mastered the art of rethreading a carseat buckle after washing. As any parent can attest, this is the equivalent to an enlarged Rubic's cube. Parenting is hard.

Or when you finally solve the mystery that is baby projectile vomiting, you have another kid. My second did not sleep through the night until he was 12 months old. One full year of minimal sleep. Truly physically demanding.

But that was just two kids.

We move, and because I must change jobs at my company. I lose my nice part time schedule. Three kids, but I now must work full time until something opens up.

Never under estimate the power of The Gap. My kids were 18 months apart, and I could put a body builder to shame with my arms due to the fact that I was always CARRYING TWO KIDS AT A TIME.

And number three was not an easy baby. She got salmonella poisoning on a family vacation. For 3 months, I cleaned up diarrhea. She would run like a faucet even when she had two OR THREE diapers on at once. I will never forget that smell. I was collecting poop samples as mandated by the Health and Human Services for 8 weeks until the infection was gone. This was sooo hard... And disgusting.

With number four, we juggled two full time jobs, football season, multiple hospital visits, and surgeries all while mommy was obtaining her Master's degree. Yes, I have seen hard days.

But I would do it all over again to avoid this. The really hard part.

When people warned me that parenting was hard, they meant to say that it was hard physically... and emotionally.

I would have 18 years of sleepless nights cleaning diarrhea and vomit then have to hold your crying six year old multiple times each day and explain why she will never see her friend again. Or console a crying child after he was hit by a peer and now thinks that means no one likes him.

I'll take the physical pain any day.

Just For Fun- Comparisons

FIFTH GRADE

child

 

mom

 

 

SECOND GRADE

child



 

mom

 

 

FIRST GRADE

child

 

mom

I used to think I looked like Raea, but I am changing my mind.  I sure look a lot like Ethan and Larissa now.

Its all a blur.

Getting ready for church the other day, Raea and I decided to take our picture.

Unfortunately, it was too blurry.

Kinda like life.

*~*~*~*

When did I get a 10 year old? When did I get 3 kids in school? When did my baby start preschool?

Happy Together

The photo booth was not working at a recent wedding. Since it was actually a good picture of Grant and I, I couldn't bare throwing them out.

Last night, Larissa asked me if Daddy and I were breaking up.

Confused, she explained to me by pointing to the pictures on the fridge.

Oops.

It's voting day

When I was 17, I was going to change the world.

I registered to vote.

I giggled knowing that I had a valid voters license, but I wasn't old enough.

I was not going to let "the old people dictate where my taxes go."

When I was 21, I got engaged. He was almost perfect, except he wasn't registered to vote and didn't know the differences between the political parties.

My very politically involved Dad and sisters thought this was blaspheme. I thought they were going to try to stop the wedding.

Thankfully, he registered just in time.

Fast forward today.

The only thing politics mean to me is hatred.

The cliche that politics take a good man and corrupts him is correct.

I will not vote for a politician who chooses not to cast a vote.

I will not vote for a politician who cares enough to pay for my phone number, but not enough to know when to call. I work nights. You do not want to wake the sleeping giant. And do not call past 7pm, my children are sleeping.

I will not vote for a politician who can't state what he believes without putting the other side down.

For once, I would like a politician to compliment the other side. That alone may win my vote.

That is why I didn't vote today. The first time ever.

Don't tell my Dad.

Ayurveda

I have been so sick that I recently took a class in Ayurveda. Healing your body by what you eat. Which totally fits with my attempts at eating "real food".

So... I've been cooking.

Last night, my parents got to try my quinoa and black bean chili. (Organic, no cans!)

Tonight, we had a caprese salad with homemade pesto sauce. (Did you know mozzarella balls come in their own water?) I didn't even know what the ingredients inside pesto was until today! So yummy. (Did you know that pine nuts are $19/ pound?)

And...

Because I wanted to have my own baked good to eat and freeze. I made a loaf of bread, 12 zucchini muffins, 25 banana pancakes, 25 blueberry pancakes, and 60 heart shaped biscuits. My fat was coconut oil; my sweetener was honey.

I could get used to this... If it didn't take up so much time.

Art-- in the unlikeliest of places

As much as I love technology, I may be the last one to convert my calendar.

(It didn't go over well last month when I lost my iCal information.)

I brought my old calendar to work to update birthdays and started walking down memory lane.

This was my life. Every month detailed. Color coded.

I even have the address for when I got a new passport.

This is art. I can't throw it away.

Nashville

When I told my kids I was going to Nashville, they made me promise I would go see "the Greek Gods".

"You know, it was in Percy Jackson!"

Sure enough, the Parthenon replica is 0.8 miles from my hotel.

(I was also surprised to see that it was THE place for prom photos, and I saw more than a dozen couples.)

How did I get here, part II

Sometimes you feel the spirit so strong, it is selfish to keep it to yourself.

I was driving home from Eager three years ago. It was a weekend trip with just me and my kids. I was driving home when the phone rang.

"Hi, Ruth? I just wanted to congratulate you. You were one of only 10 employees we have selected for the nurse practitioner scholarship."

"oh."

"Did you hear me ok? You got the scholarship."

The rest of the phone call was a blur. I just remember having to pull over afterwards and started crying. I would be obligated to work full time for 3 years. It was not tears of joy; I was scared out of my mind.

Fast forward two years. I thought everything was making sense. I had spent the last two years working in the Neuro ICU and going to school. Because of my neurology and intensive care experience, I was the first in my class to get a job offer-- make that 3 offers. I choose the more elite position with the best doctors, but it had a 50 minute commute.

I only had the job for a couple months, and I had just sent another kid to school that was probably too sick for learning when I started crying on my way to work. I had made the wrong choice. I was supposed to be home with my kids. I was working too hard.

This was the roughest time in my life, and my kids were struggling, too. Just when I needed friends the most, I was "too busy" for them.

And then the bomb dropped. The doctors I had been commuting for pulled out of my faraway hospital. I didn't know what that meant for me, but it felt... Ok.

There isn't many times you get a second chance.

I waited a couple months to weigh my options. One of the only opportunities available was to go back to nights (one of my original options). My husband was concerned for "my body and my temperament", but we have done it before.

Then one of my original doctors, and now friend, offered me a job. I was going to go to the meeting with the HR rep to gather information and then politely tell them I needed to work less. He met me there and said "go home, talk to your husband, and then tell me the schedule you want."

It was my dream job.

But I wasn't going to make the wrong choice again. I was reading one of my parenting books for insight when I was prompted to make a call to a local mother that I respected for help.

"Oh, Ruth. I don't know what you should do, but I know that your daughter was absolutely giddy when you were home on Monday."

I wasn't planning to have lunch with her or even volunteer in the classroom, but she was happy to know I was going to be close.

"Mom, when I turn the corner walking home from school, I pray your car is in the driveway."

Saturday, I headed to the temple; I needed more meditation and personal revelation. Clear as day it hit me:
1. Home one day a week for therapy appointments.
2. Home in the morning before school.
3. Home when they get home for school.

Unfortunately, I could only see this working if I was back at nights.

The Family Proclamation says, "mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." My decision was not based upon what is best for me; it is what is best for my children.

Me and the owl. Friends again.